


all the things i thought i was better than, i am not.

by vicbartons



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Break down, Drinking to Cope, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Past Infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 12:23:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10662510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vicbartons/pseuds/vicbartons
Summary: aaron had found out. he never should have found out. aaron had had the right to find out. not like this though. never like this. aaron deserved better than this. aaron deserved better than robert.





	all the things i thought i was better than, i am not.

**Author's Note:**

> title from "fortress" by bear´s den

**It. Was. All. His. Fault.**

 

Course it was. It always was. He could never do anything right. Not for long at least.

Robert Sugden. A failure at everything. The black sheep of the family. _A disappointment._

„Should´ve listened to ya,“ he slurred, running his hand over the rough edges of the gravestone. “When even your own dad can´t find it in himself to love ya, you really should take the hint, shouldn´t ya?“

He slumped down on the damp ground, his back against the cold stone. His body was shaking.

Aaron had run out of the pub midway through Rebecca playing the voice message. There had been no screaming, no anger, no punch to Robert´s face. Aaron had just left. Devastated. No fight left in him. That was how Robert knew it was over. For good this time. Because whatever they´d had wasn't even worth a proper fight anymore. Aaron had just run. All red eyes and sweater paws.

As he should. He should stay as far away from Robert as he could possibly get. He never should have trusted him to begin with.

Because people close to Robert always ended up getting hurt.

 

Or on the run.

 

Or dead.

 

**All. His. Fault.**

 

Robert took another sip from the bottle.

He hadn´t even tried to stop him from running. Hadn´t tried to talk his way out of it, to explain. Because Aaron had known the truth the moment he had seen the look in Robert´s eyes. He´d always been able to read him like a book. In fact, looking back on it, Robert was surprised he hadn´t figured it out weeks ago. Maybe he had. Maybe he had just wanted to trust in his husband. Because he had promised him to better. Because Aaron was the kind of man who tried to keep his promises and didn´t fail, or at least didn´t fail as miserably as Robert did. Because Aaron was a better man than Robert could ever be. Because Aaron had always had too much trust in Robert to begin with.

Aaron didn´t deserve this.

Didn´t deserve the pitiful looks in the pub. Didn´t deserve the “I told you so´s“. Didn´t deserve the “You should have known better´s“.

Even Vic and Diane had only looked disgusted. No hint of disappointment or shock in their faces. They had expected it. Everyone had. For them, Robert cheating on Aaron had always been a “when” not an “if”.

But what it really came down to, was that Aaron didn´t deserve Robert.

He deserved someone kind and useful and supportive. Someone he could rely on. Someone who could see when he was self-destructing and was ready to help him through, instead of following him right down the rabbit whole. Someone who didn't revert to all their worst coping mechanisms when things got tough. Someone selfless. Someone who didn't shut him out for all the wrong reasons. Aaron deserved someone better than Robert. Not a liar and a cheat.

Robert felt ashamed for ever having dragged Aaron into this. For having tried so hard to be better - having tried so hard to be someone he was not - that Aaron had actually believed him. That Robert had actually believed it himself for a little while there.

God, why couldn´t he stop sobbing.

It wasn´t his place to sob.

Aaron was the one who had gotten his heart broken. By him. How could he have done that to him? To his husband. He had promised himself he would never do that.

Not to Aaron. Never to Aaron.

 

**All. His. Fault.**

 

He lay down on the ground, staring at the night sky, and chucked down the rest of the whiskey.

Whiskey.

Again.

Even now he couldn´t make better choices.

Not that there was any point now. Everything was gone anyway. Done. Over. For good.

 _Rebecca_. Of all people it had to have been Rebecca. And now she was pregnant. Of course she was. Because when Robert went for it, he really went for it. When Robert Sugden wanted to hurt you, he didn´t just set your house on fire, he obliterated it with a nuclear bomb and took the next three blocks down with it for good measure.

And for what? Because Aaron had said a few hurtful words to him. Poor Robert with his daddy issues. _Pathetic._

 _As if he'd had any right to feel hurt._ Aaron had been going through hell in there. Locked up and terrified. No one around to help him through. Having to work so incredibly hard to keep all of his worst impulses at bay. Being beaten and abused every day. Being reminded of the worst time in his life. His mind being dragged into places Robert couldn´t even imagine in his worst nightmares.

 _As if he'd had any right to feel hurt,_ when he himself had said things so much worse than that to Aaron in the past. Had tried to break him by hitting him where he knew it would hurt, sticking in the knife and twisting it in just the right way, playing on every insecurity Aaron had ever exposed in a quiet moment between the two of them. And for what? Only to save face. To not let his feelings show. When even back then he had known full well that Aaron was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He had just been too scared to admit it. _Coward_ _._

 

**All. His. Fault.**

 

Even when he cared. Even when he tried. Tried harder than he had ever tried before. Even then, he couldn´t make it work. Couldn´t not destroy everything he cared for in a matter of minutes. Couldn´t help but ruin everything he touched.

 

He had just lost the future he had been building for the past year.

He had just lost the family he had always dreamed of.

He had just lost the only good thing he´d ever had.

He had just lost his only hope of ever getting better.

He had just lost the most important thing in his life.

_He had just lost Aaron._

 

**And it was all his fault.**

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr [@vicbartons](http://www.vicbartons.tumblr.com)


End file.
